A Few Simple Truths: Partying in Utah

Utah. My home. Born and raised. That statement really tends to say a lot about a person. Especially when you add that i am not exactly a religious person, im not a republican, im single, without children and i dont even ski or snowboard. Trust me, i dont know why im here either so lets not talk about that. What we can talk about are a few simple truths I have observed in my extensive partying experience while in UTAH maybe one of the single strangest places in the galaxy to grab a drink with friends....

Simple Truth #1. Every Utah party is going to be weird. In a state so polarized by the stuffy beliefs of the religious conservatives versus the beliefs of the people that are sick of the stuffy beliefs of the religious conservatives. It seems like you are either in one group or the other. there is no middle ground, no compromise, and most of all, each of those groups is going to try to exterminate the other. sort of paints a picture of why the laws about drinking are so weird. but this isnt about the laws.

Simple Truth #2. Themed parties are never awesome. I dont know if this is specifically true to utah, but with the exception of the goth party of  '04 (or so) themed parties are a major let down. to all you showboats throwing themed parties i ask you this... why? Its already complicated enough to get a drink in utah, do we really need another obstacle? all you are really doing by throwing themed parties is inconveniencing your guests into thrift store shopping for more 70's/80's/pimp/ho/redneck/mobster clothing that is never really cheap. cant a guy get a drink without having to be dressed like a jackass? I always avoid theme parties. 

simple truth#3 ever told a buddy about a party and his first response is... "are there going to be chicks there?" its at this point that i look into his eyes and think to myself "maybe it will just be easier to say, no, there will not be any chicks" (but the simple rule about party chicks is coming later) Dont get me wrong, with the exception of a rare few parties i have been to they are almost always 90% "i have a weiner" theme parties. this does have its advantages and disadvantages. In many parties outside of utah you cant get in with you and 6 of your closest bro's. its called no respect for the healthy girl to guy ratio. in utah that ratio is gone already. so come on in dudes. no one is going to give you shit about not bringing girls, because no one brought girls. also the lack of women actually decreases the testosterone boasting that goes on. i mean who are you trying to look tough for anyway? also when there are no chicks present you arent forced to listen to the top 40 booty shakin crap that lil' jon somehow keeps defecating. in addition, everyone at the party knows how to play black jack, pool, beer pong, and about 50000 dirty jokes. dude parties also never have a theme and very little crying. get over yourself and enjoy a dude party.

simple truth #4. as any utahn will agree. its going to be expensive and its going to take ALOT. aside from the fact that 90% of the guests are dudes and drink like frat boys. due to the light alcohol content of utah booze you also have to drink twice as much to achieve your goals of inebriation. the aftermath of the party usually looks something like this.

Simple Truth #5. Girls at a party. I am going to probably offend a lot of girls with this one, get over it, im just an observer. when there are girls present at a party be extremely cautious. there are the obvious reasons like beer goggles, and the guarantee of forking out your entire weeks unemployment benefits on extremely expensive foofy chick drinks that come in colors like bright blue, pink, or green. or bitch-beers which come in the same colors as before but with additional hangover properties. this is my kryptonite. 

There are also a few other  reasons girls at parties are ticking time bombs. for every girl that walks in there is the increased testosterone levels of competition that begin to rise, turning what was at one time "dude party bro's" into raging redneck alpha male dickheads. 

Utah party girls are a strange breed. i am going to overgeneralize a bit here... they are always underage, if they are of age, they are married, if you spend money on their drinks, they have a boyfriend they might tell you about after they have drained your already meager funds. there are also 1 or two really cool chicks that instantly draw a crowd of creepy men, which will start to form around those few girls. its because of this "creep factor" that the very first thing you say to a girl  automatically makes you a creep by association. the only exception to this is if your very first words are "can i buy you a drink". as long as these are the only words you speak you can avoid said "creep effect". on a final note about girls at a party...  Utah has some of the finest looking women in the world. making them even more dangerous. when it comes to a utah parties this picture to the right says it all. 

the last simple truth i am going to share about partying in utah is about the heart and soul that goes into the utah party scene. Due to all the bull shit that goes into to owning a brewery, hosting a house party, or opening your own nightclub in the most conservative state in the great united states; only the truly dedicated partiers can bite the bullet and still have a great time, make a fantastic micro-brew, fork out for extraordinarily high priced drinks, or as a female; show up at a party where you will get undressed by every set of eyes in the house. These are my people and Utah is the greatest state to party in because of thier devotion to getting wasted. cheers mates!

on a side note.... do you think that Jack Nicholson and Kim Jong Il ever party together? see below