A Few Simple Truths: Unemployment

Hi ALL, wow look at all my devoted readers (some who might even read my blog once in a while) It appears that this blog has gone from a lengthy daily read to a skimpy bi-monthly at best. I know what you are all thinking, my inbox has been overflowing with demands to continue this saga, but Oprah's lawyers keep hounding me to quit making fat jokes. The truth is i simply have not had the motivation to log into my account. I hate typing my user name and password, absolutely hate it. (I also despise receiving paper mail, but thats another topic) I certainly have plenty on my mind I would like to share with you. I'm never without at least one of life's little ironies clawing at the back of my eyes trying to escape the twisted confines of my mind, but sometimes i just cant make myself log in. This may come off as complete and utter laziness, however i see it as something more than laziness. In order to really explain myself I am going to have to first explain a few simple truths of unemployment...



At one time or another every person is stricken with the plight of unemployment. Some individuals are "funemployed" very frequently and some for very lengthy periods of time. (You know who you are, Tony Soprano.) So it seems sort of redundant, or needlessly repetitive, to be explaining the transformation that occurs when someone becomes unemployed; however that is exactly what i am talking about. When you are unemployed everything you do is redundant.  lets take coffee for instance. When you are unemployed coffee time becomes immensely important. It is the only constant in your life, It reminds you of what productivity tastes like, and besides that what else are you going to do? so you drink cup after cup. redundant.

Truth #2 about unemployment is that it sort of takes your ego and has its way with it. It doesn't matter if you are as smooth as Roy Orbison, there is no suave way to tell a first date that you are unemployed. The moment the word rolls off your tongue you are transformed in to a grizzled bum with poor hygiene and a tin cup containing some loose change. A metaphor that really isn't too far off from the truth, the only real difference is the tin cup is exchanged for a fresh cup of coffee.

Truth #3 time now moves at near light-speed. whatever it is you are doing, whether it is laundry, brewing coffee, or blogging it WILL take you nearly all day to finish. (that is if you actually finish at all) This is primarily due to the fact that you have become an expert at ignoring the clock.

Truth #4 you never miss a status update, however, your own status updates have become redundant.

Truth #5 Perhaps excessive coffee is to blame but nap time also becomes an important part of life when you are without a job. This is dangerous because of truth #3 (for those of you who weren't paying attention, Truth #3: "time moves at light-speed") It is not uncommon for nap time to exceed the time frame you originally allotted for a little power snooze.

Truth# 6 You will experience random anxiety attacks and freak out a little bit.

Truth#7 This doesn't really have much to do with unemployment but since when did those tight at the ankle pants and ugly plaid canvas loafers become fashionable ladies? seriously, when was the last time you saw Beyonce sporting plaid canvas shoes? never. stop wearing them.

Truth#8 Everything about getting a new job seems kind of like its going to suck.

ok screw it i am done painting a picture of my life for you.but now you know why its such an ordeal for me to get a blog up sometimes. its hard to explain the reason I dread things like going through mail, or logging in my username and password, its a hodge-podge (there is that word again!) of different variables. So if you dont happen to hear from me every day dont worry, like a bad ex girlfriend, I will be back, and remember, no matter how skinny she gets, Oprah is still fat.